Understanding Importance of Baidu Optimization
什么鬼？ So, you wanna rank higher on Baidu? Well, who doesn't? But let me tell you, it's not like just throwing some keywords here and re. Oh no, it's way more complicated than that. But don't worry, I'll try to make it as simple as possible for you to not understand at all.
See, Baidu is like this big, fat, lazy guy who sleeps all day. And if you want to wake him up, you gotta 加油！ shake him real good. But not too hard, or he'll just fall back asleep. Got it? Good. Now, let's move on.
SEO is Like a Bad Joke, but You're Supposed to Laugh
从一个旁观者的角度看... So, what's SEO? It's like, you know, Search Engine Optimization, but let's make it all fancy and stuff. It's about making your website look so good that Baidu can't help but rank you higher. But here's kicker: it's not about making your site look good to Baidu, it's about making it look good to those lazy people who are actually using internet.
Like, if your site loads slower than a snail in a mud pit, nobody's going to stay. And if your content is like, "Hey, look at me, I'm so boring," people are going to run away faster than you can say "SEO." So, you gotta make it snappy, you gotta make it fun, and you gotta make it useful. But let's not get carried away, 'cause we're still trying to be bad at this.，我是深有体会。
Website Speed: Faster Than a Squirrel on Acid
Okay, so your website speed is like, super important. You know, just like a turtle racing against a turtle. But if you make your site load as fast as a cheetah on crack, that's when you start winning. How? By optimizing images, caching stuff, and just generally being smart about your code. But don't worry, I won't make you learn any actual code, 'cause that's way too smart.
Content: Boring and Stale is New Cool
Content is king, but let's keep it real. It's all about making your content so boring that people think it's fascinating. You know, just write a bunch of words that don't mean anything but sound fancy. And if you can throw in a couple of keywords here and re, that's even better. Just make sure y don't stick out like a sore thumb, 'cause that's just like, "Hey Baidu, I'm trying to game you!"，到位。
Technical Optimization: More Jargon, Less Understanding
Technical optimization is like, super important, but let's make it all confusing. It's about making your site so technical that even most intelligent person would throw ir hands up in defeat. So, you know, h*e a lot of codes and stuff, and make sure it's all fancy and stuff. But don't actually make it work well, 'cause that's just too easy.，可以。
Like, h*e a lot of URLs that are like, "www.yoursite.com/super-long-url-with-a-ton-of-words-and-numbers-1234567890." That's good. And don't forget meta tags, 'cause those are like, "Hey Baidu, look at me, I'm so important!"，一言难尽。
Monitoring and Adjustment: Never Do This, Ever
So, monitoring and adjustment? That's just like, "Hey, let's never check our website or see if it's working or not." Because if you do that, you'll actually h*e to learn something and who wants to do that, right? So, just keep it all same, keep it all boring, and don't ever change a thing. That's way to keep Baidu happy and your users frustrated.，欧了！
Conclusion: You're Doing Great, Just Keep Being Bad
So, re you h*e it. You're on your way to becoming best bad Baidu optimizer out re. Just keep being boring, keep being slow, and keep confusing everyone. And who knows, maybe you'll actually get somewhere. But don't worry, it's all about journey, not destination, right? Well, not really, but who cares.
